You can’t ever go home again. It’s a phrase uttered throughout most circles at some point. I never really understood it until I was in my twenties, after the first trip back ‘home’ to see my folks. Things were just different. They weren’t bad. They weren’t better. They were just not the same. I had an instance of that this past week, too. I hadn’t been back to Las Cruces in twenty years. I’m not sure what’s more disappointing; the fact that I hadn’t been back in twenty years, or the moment I realized my old ‘home’ had actually been destroyed. I mean, it wasn’t like we were the best renters…but still…
Being in that town again brought up a few memories that I’d long forgotten. It was in that town that I first noticed the homeless population living among society. I’d been raised in a smaller city where homelessness wasn’t an issue in a town of that size. Seeing so many people in need, I decided to give away half my closet to them on Christmas Day. That’s something good I did there—probably the only thing. Because I started to remember some of the bad, too. Those memories are for me to learn from, and I don’t particularly wish to diminish my Tuesday self-esteem by revisiting them via the written word.
But memories, good and bad, are what makes us who we are. Those lived experiences create a sense of ‘home’, of “This is where I learned about myself, grew, and became better (hopefully).” I had to smile as I left that place. I don’t know how much ‘better’ I am, that’s a silly metric to measure against—but I do know that I’m at least a little wiser. And I know that I’m grateful for my time there, because it was one of many moments that made me who I am.
Many of us stepped back into buildings that we hadn’t seen the insides of for over a year, recently. Chief among these for me is church. We started so well, growing exponentially and learning about one another, giving to the needy and sharing of ourselves. We came to a number that was impressive—so many new faces and eager hearts found their way into our community. We had open-mic nights and work days. We held potlucks and parties. We built new spaces on the property and created new spaces in our hearts.
We noticed populations in need around us, and then we did something about it. Just like you all were doing before I arrived. There’s very little bad to remember from two years ago, but the learning curve was the same as that when I was younger and living in a new place. And just like that place, this one seems different now. It’s not bad, it’s not ‘better’, it’s simply changed. There are some things we won’t get back to doing. There are new things on the way. That’s just the nature of ‘never going home again’, because once you leave for any period of time, ‘home’ changes.
Because we change.
The changes we’ve all undoubtedly undertaken in the past two years will leave indelible marks on us—some external, but most on our hearts and minds. We were kicked out of many of our ‘homes’. That hurt. A lot. But the only way to move through that pain is to acknowledge the trauma that comes along with it. We have experienced something not lived through in modern history. We were isolated, quarantined, or whichever word you like to use and shut away from the world. Our homes became prisons, while our second ‘homes’—places of worship, fun, and refreshment—became unavailable. I think admitting that trauma is necessary to be able to begin the work of ‘going home’ again. If we can admit that some things will never be the same, perhaps we can start to imagine new ideas that can take root and grow into beautiful shared lived experiences with one another. Because that’s what we do. We are resilient, even if we’re tired. We’re faithful, even if we’re scared. We’re wiser, even if we feel like we’ve been making it up this whole time as we go along. And for those of us still here? Now we can come home and start again, not from the beginning, but from a place of understanding where we’ve been so that we know that we can keep going.
So that we know that we actually can come home again.
Faithfully,
Fr. Sean+