I wrote something yesterday morning concerning forgiveness and the way in which we arrive at our decision to either forgive or delete. As with any writing, I read it back to myself and thought it was clear, concise and evinced the type of theology I hold.
Then I heard another voice.
With so much going on in the world, we seek comfort in many sources, chief among them for most is entertainment. We watch movies, sports, attend concerts, etc… Inevitably, we end up finding ourselves fans of someone. First for their craft; we watch them do the things that we never could, or never had the opportunity to do. After a few years, we become super-fans. If something happens in their lives, it’s easy to over-look, to allow ourselves to have a sense of temporary blindness to terrible acts of human nature. Ray Lewis killed a man. He’s in the Hall of Fame. That’s just one story, but there are many, many more.
I’ve been a Kobe Bryant fan my entire adult life. I literally watched him every season, in most of the games (I won’t say all, but pretty close); I watched him, rooted for him, celebrated when ‘we’ won and mourned when ‘we’ lost. I’m a Lakers fan, through and through. I always will be. But I was also a Kobe fan.
And as much as it pains me to admit, I was a blind Kobe fan.
When someone dies, the last thing we should do is defame their character; especially when the death of one of their children is alongside. As humans, it’s alright to grieve and feel a sense of loss—it’s expected. As Christians, and especially as a Christian leader, it’s not okay to absolve the acts of someone who committed violence against another human, and then proclaim them a hero in the aftermath of their death, no matter how sad. The truth is, someone held a mirror up to me yesterday and spoke some truth that I needed to hear. There’s another person in this story of a soon to be Hall of Famer—a young woman who was sexually abused. The pathology reports speak for themselves, so the question of guilt isn’t one of legality, it’s one of humanity. There’s a young woman out there who was assaulted and then publicly shamed for being ‘promiscuous’. But here’s the thing, as another writer put it: Just because someone chooses a lascivious lifestyle doesn’t mean they deserve to be dismissed as a victim. It also doesn’t automatically ensure that every sexual encounter is consensual.
I have a duty as a Christian leader to speak against violence of any kind. I have a duty to myself as a human to do the same. I don’t want to be the kind of guy who uses his voice to perpetuate a system of blindness; who reinforces the thought that just because someone is mesmerizing in their field, we should make exceptions when their lesser humanity shows it’s head. These words aren’t easy to type, and believe me when I tell you how upset I am about Kobe’s death and the death of his daughter, Gigi. He was still young and he had his hand in quite a few wonderful things that benefitted the communities around him. But he committed an atrocity, whether or not the legal system agrees. He did something that we cannot allow to be swept under the rug: he was a human who played a game well, treated most other people well, was a fantastic father and an intelligent man—yes, he was all of that—but he was also harmful to someone who’s life will never be the same. Someone who now has to hear how wonderful he was while remembering how horrific her encounter was with him. No amount of money from the settlement will restore her dignity. No amount of time will take away the painful memories of that night. And as a Christian man, Priest, and human, I have to walk back some of my utter devotion to him, as painful as it is. God asks better of me. God asks me to be honest with myself and the people around me. So here I am, a day later, trying to do that. I don’t think Kobe should be deleted from the annuls of history; he’s done good things for people, and he played the game better than most…better than all but one. But he also hurt someone. Deeply. And now, other people who have experienced something similar also have to watch as someone who represents the perpetrator in their own experiences is lauded as a hero. It isn’t right. We have to get to a place where we, as a society, can help rehabilitate people and hold them and ourselves to a higher standard—or in the least, a standard of doing no intentional harm. We have to speak out against violence against anyone, women and men, and say, “Not a hero. He turned into a good man, but he did something in his past that must be remembered simply because of the lasting effect it had on the person he did it to.” It’s bothered me to the point of not sleeping last night, because I knew that I’d not articulated my theology of forgiveness well enough to try and encapsulate the player I loved alongside the man that disappointed me and hurt someone else.
I don’t expect everyone to agree with me. But I write this in support of those whose voices have been silenced, for those who have experienced pain and shouldn’t have to have a clergy person, or any leader, laud someone who has done something like this. We are all human, we will all do something in our lives that will darken our souls—no matter the level of ‘bad’. My belief is that grace found Kobe in the latter half of his life, and that he and his daughter are together. But I don’t want to make it seem like I’m ‘ok’ with what he did because of who he turned into. Someone has to stand up and say the hard things. That’s my job. This is the truth that I have been given to share; I’ve been convicted for my words yesterday, so today I write and shine a light on the truth of a man who lived a life cut short by tragedy, but also a life with a moment of darkness that stained his legacy, and more importantly, harmed another human being. I hope you see the point I’m attempting to make, but let me be as clear as possible: Sexual, Emotional, Physical, or Spiritual violence against anyone is not acceptable. Certainly, with God’s grace, nothing is irredeemable, but it doesn’t mean we forget that it happened. I appreciate you reading this, and again, please understand how difficult it is to write. We live in a world where violence is a reality. There’s a difference between acknowledging that we’re fallible people and making someone a hero regardless of what they’ve done.
My condolences to the Bryant family. A parent should never lose a child. A spouse has a hard road ahead when they lose their partner. I will continue to pray for his family, for his daughter Gigi, and for him. But I will also lift up the victim in prayer, the one who relives this right now. And every other victim of assault. It isn’t a liberal thing. It’s a human thing. And I’m trying to be a better one.
Sean+